The Fino Pitta…
My friend Monica messaged me around 8 months ago to see if I’d be interested in joining her blog-writing venture. Without thinking I responded instantly with an excited yes. Shortly after, the realisation of what this agreement entailed dawned on me; being vulnerable about my faith and my life on the internet for all to see was something that genuinely frightened me. Initially, I thought about maybe writing anonymously, or possibly writing the blog, but not sharing it. I even considered abandoning it totally and not writing anything at all. I was faced with this state of tension and anxiety that I didn’t want to confront, so my gut instinct was to come up with any solution that would bypass my insecurities.
Most of the apprehension stemmed from thoughts involving: “What will X, Y and Z think and say?”. This definitely wouldn't have been the first time I have completely avoided a situation because of my fear of the perception of others. Nor would it have been the first time that I have changed my behaviour in order to seek approval. From experience, living this way is exhausting, because one merely becomes a collection of the expectations of others and importantly there's a real divide within one's spirit.
I really thought that I had grown out of this mindset, but it all came flooding back in when I was trying to come up with solutions to avoid being so vulnerable about my life on the internet. But then I tried to ask myself why? Why am I so afraid of being transparent? Why am I so afraid of talking about the very source of what brings me life?
I hate confrontation and I feel like this is some kind of imposition. There is a real divide within me about this blog. I have gone to great lengths to attempt some sort of moral justification for withdrawal, but I return to square 1 each time, despite my tenuous efforts. But now it’s 8 months down the line, the website has been made and my friend’s sister summed up the situation perfectly for me: “you’re in way too deep”.
But, let’s suppose that I had my first fino pitta at Nando’s and none of my friends or family had ever tasted it. I would have to be pretty selfish not to share how it has changed my gastronomical life/Nando’s order forever based on my fear of what others will think. If one of my friends had discovered this years later, they would probably affirm that I’m a selfish, narcissistic fool and they would probably never talk to me again (or at least that’s what I’d do if one of my friends didn’t tell me about the fino pitta...). If I had made the decision to turn down this blog opportunity due to my fear of others’ perceptions, this would be like this hypothetical fino pitta saga, but infinitely worse.
(missing from this picture is a Fantoke, if you don’t know what that is I am not sure we can be friends...)
But also more than this, nothing would bring me greater joy than seeing those who I care about sharing in and enjoying a fino pitta with me.
I wonder what I will think when this goes live, I wonder if 6 months down the line I will read this back and want to curl up in a ball and never unfold.
Anyways, I pray that this is an opportunity for me to simply and authentically share. This isn’t an attempt to convince anyone of anything. To be honest, I don’t really know what I’m going to write about but I’m sure that will come. I think we’re all more similar than we often think, and even if we disagree, my greatest desire for this blog is that it simply becomes a platform to initiate dialogue and connection. No meaningful conversation can occur without transparency, nor can it occur without exchange, so I'd love for people to reach out below. I would hate for this to be a series of monologues that I release every so often.
So, even though this is super scary for me, here I am with my first blog post of hopefully many to come. I look forward to stop pretending to be someone I’m not and start unapologetically sharing stories, longing to hear yours too.
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