Identity crisis: Being not doing

-“Who am I?“

I find myself asking this question often, I suppose as a way of determining my value. As human beings, at our very core we crave to know that we are loved and that we have purpose and value.

Throughout my life, I have had this constant drive to keep doing things to ‘add’ to my identity, in the hope that this will add more value to my life. And it’s a never-ending, draining cycle because it never leaves me feeling valued enough. The grass constantly appears greener and the crushing spirit of comparison is always present to remind you that you are being out achieved by others, regardless of what you do. In other words, ‘the grind’ never ends and your LinkedIn profile will never feel complete to satisfaction. I was climbing this ladder with no end. Hence, I finally decided to examine the lie that I have believed my whole life; that ‘doing’ things adds to my ‘being’ (my worth).

Here is my basic robotic answer to the question of ‘Who am I?’: My name is Phillip, I am Egyptian, I am Christian and I am a student studying in London. I am hard-working (and also lazy at the same time), an over-thinker and I also like to joke and banter (a lot).
This is the current definition I have for myself, which I live my life out of every day. It is the basis of my everything; for out of the perception you have of yourself, your words, actions and behaviour flow. I was content with this definition of me, that is until recently…
Since joining University, my persona has truly been dismantled and my universe has torn at the very seams that held it together. One by one, the things which I held so dearly to myself started losing meaning, and this left me feeling very confused, uncertain and asking the dreaded question of ‘where does my value come from?’, ‘Who am I?’.

Primarily, I have so much pride being a Coptic Egyptian. But put simply, what if I wasn’t Egyptian, what if I wasn’t Coptic? It’s a chance event that I was born to my parents, so surely that can’t be where my worth comes from.
“It’s fine” I thought, I can work hard and play the role of ‘the academic one’, that’s what will make me unique and loved. This worked great at sixth form where I was one of the few medical applicants at my college, however when I got to medical school, it dawned on me that everyone here is ‘the smart one’; all 300 people in my year. It was impossible for me to have a unique identity rooted in academic achievement, when everyone there was just as hard-working and smart as you.
What’s more, is that a lot of people I meet at university are extremely talented and all-rounded individuals. Their resumes are impressive and I felt that I could never measure up. These are top-decile students who are also grade 8 violinists and 1st team rugby captains, who have special interests in drawing, baking, gardening and anything you could imagine. And here I was, just bog standard Phillip. Hmm. I was stumped. Now asked again, who am I? What makes me valuable and unique? What makes me, me? And for the first time ever, I couldn’t answer these questions, and it left me feeling hopeless and empty.

I liken an ‘identity crisis’ like this to the feeling of being a spectator; passively watching the events of your own life unfold. Why? Because there is a sense of emptiness when you lose sight of who you are and why you are on this planet. And thinking of an answer to the question “Why do I wake up every morning?” becomes more and more difficult.
Now I'm not going to lie to you and say that I have exactly figured out my purpose and identity, I am nowhere close. The reality is that we are meant to spend our whole lives pursuing the truth of who we are and why we were made, so I am not going to sit here and claim full enlightenment at age 20. So, why have I written this blog then? It is because I wanted to share a nugget that I have recently discovered. Things we do, do not add to who we are.

You may be supreme at fashion, or football or singing, but if you were to lose these talents would it make you worthless? If you sustain an injury as an athlete or lose your voice as a singer, who do you become then? What if you lose your dexterity as a surgeon, or lose your sight as a pilot?
Our worth comes from something so much deeper, something that is unshaken throughout life’s circumstances; it is ingrained in who we are in Christ. In other words our worth and value come from whose we are.
The God of the universe, mighty and powerful, still cares to know my name and love me. He sent his only Son to die for me; personally. His thoughts about me outnumber the number of grains of sand in this world (Psalm 139:18). This means He sees past all my brokenness, and mistakes and imperfections and still sees something in me worth dying for. I am struggling to comprehend it myself, it makes no sense that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved, that I don’t have to be an academic scholar or a star athlete or even have a good career to have worth and purpose. But it’s true, I am loved by God and nothing can take that away, and this alone is where I need to start drawing my identity from.

To whoever is reading this: You are eternally loved more than you will ever know.

“Who Am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt”
- Casting Crowns

Image from: https://www.cloudave.com/14163/the-identity-crisis/ Accessed 23/3/21 (Cloudave)